When Things Don't Go As Expected

Today I am sharing from the heart. Just over a week ago I gave birth to our 5th child.

It was so hard. 

Why? That is what I have been wondering. Overall this pregnancy, birth and recovery have been very rough for me. Perhaps with having 4 relatively easy births and immediate bounce back recoveries I had too high of expectations. In fact, I think what I have experienced this time is more the norm. But it's not normal for me and I'm having a hard time even processing it.

I have loved giving birth in the past, but not this time. I have previously felt amazing as soon as the baby was born, but not this time. I have struggled a lot mentally this time and that has not happened before.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to move forward with reality. Why didn't things happen as I expected? Why did I expect things to go as they had before? I know every pregnancy and birth is different, and I have to remember that I was given a gift. Nothing was taken from me because I did not have the birth I wanted. But it's easy to feel that way.

Does anyone relate?

Megan's Pregnancy and Simon's Birth

    I was not a fan of pregnancy. I know there are a lot of women who love being pregnant, who thrive while they are with child, I however was not one of them. I had a very unique and complicated pregnancy, which added to the typical discomforts of a “normal” pregnancy (if there is such a thing). 

    A little background history… I was born with Biliary Atresia. I was the 1 out of every 15,000 children born with it. What is Biliary Atresia? Well, long story short I was born without any bile ducts connecting from my liver to my small intestine. This left the bile with nowhere to go. Most Biliary Atresia children are born with blocked ducts but I was one of the babies who didn’t have any. This is where my hero Dr. Nagaraj stepped in and performed the Kasai procedure (attaching a piece of my small intestine to my liver) on my fragile 9 day old body, which would give me roughly another 2 years of life, if I even lived through the surgery. The chances of my body returning to a normal state were less than 30%. Back then this wasn’t a procedure done that often and well, here I am 29 years later, off the transplant list, no sign of my disease, and still baffling doctors. Really the only difference in me is that I have a very low platelet count. This means my blood doesn’t clot as fast as most peoples. The normal platelet count for a person is roughly 150,000-400,000. Mine hold pretty steady somewhere between 60,000 and 80,000. 

    Back to the pregnancy. When I first told my OB about my medical history she freaked. I mean, people with this disease don’t typically live to a reproductive stage, let alone have babies. I was immediately under the microscope of all my doctors, and let me tell you they did NOT take this lightly. I can really tell that they THRIVE on cases like mine! I was very closely monitored by my OB, my gastrointerologist, and my hematologist. I mean, with a platelet count as low as mine the chances of my bleeding internally or bleeding out during delivery were pretty great. My GI doctor kept a close watch on my liver, which meant getting a few scopes done, as well as seeing him bi-weekly, my Hematologist kept a close eye on my blood count bi-weekly, and my OB saw me bi-weekly. Basically I LIVED at the hospital. When cases like mine come through they always prepare for the worst, and they also prepare YOU for the worst. You know, it’s really scary when you are told the chances of your survival rate during delivery. Those 9 months were the most trying 9 months of my life physically, spiritually, and mentally. How do you stay excited or joyous when people are preparing you for some scary truths? Every time I heard the statistics I felt like I was walking towards the gates of death. 

    After a group meeting with my OB doctors every thing became a blur. It was a unanimous decision that I needed to deliver cesarean, but not only cesarean, I would need to be put to sleep. And not only cesarean and knocked out, I would be sent downtown to deliver with doctors that I had never met before. This was all decided roughly a month before my due date. The next week i went downtown for routine ultrasounds and was told I needed to deliver early at 37 weeks, which was NEXT WEEK. I knew the name of the doctor who would be deliver my sweet boy but I still had never met her. 

    Fast forward to next week, my husband and I are walking into the hospital at 8:00am on Halloween morning knowing that at 10:30am our lives would be different. I am immediately swept so that the show can begin. When you have a million doctors around you poking you, giving you instructions, sharing the details of what they are doing, asking for blood transfusion permission, making you sign a ton of papers, you really can’t do anything but silently panic. But let me tell you, there was one person there who I really felt was sent there by the Lord to be with me during all this. It was my anesthesiologist. I never would have thought that a person like him would be my rock. My husband was not allowed to be with me during any of my prep or any of my delivery and I know that the Lord knew I needed someone. I hate that I cannot remember his name but this man is responsible for keeping me together. He took the initiative to stay with me not only for emotional support but he did more prep on me than any of the nurses put together. Did I mention that I still hadn’t met my delivery doctor?

    Once prepped, i was wheeled into the delivery room. If I thought I was scared before, wow, I had no idea. There’s nothing like florescent lights, a million doctors, and a laying naked on a stainless steel table, and the thought of never waking up, to get the tears flowing. There she was, my doctor. She was very sweet and I knew she was good at this. I was sent specifically to her. Everything was so fast paced, I was shaking horribly, everything hurt, I was strapped down, naked, and freezing. But that’s when my anesthesiologist gently grabbed my head and started whispering in my ear that I was going to be okay and that he was going to take care of me. Then he told me to keep my eyes on him while the doctors did their work. I kind of felt like I was in a factory. I was the product and they were the assembly line. Anybody been there? Next thing I know he tells me I will soon be asleep, which I am glad for but also scared to death that maybe I wouldn’t wake up. I have been put to sleep more times than probably most people and it has never bothered me. If anything I find it very peaceful. This however, was different. But you can’t just not go to sleep so off I went, to dream land…

    Guess what! 1 hour later I woke up and was immediately holding a beautiful baby boy in my arms. The love i felt for him outweighed any fear of death. It was worth it. He was worth it, and I will do it again with the Lord’s blessing. Recovery was super painful and definitely the worst part of my experience. Just when I think it couldn’t get any worse! I was in the hospital for I think 4 days? I longed for daylight. I longed for no pain. I longed to be able to walk down the hall by myself. I am not one that likes to sit around, let alone lay around in a super uncomfortable hospital bed! But you know what, at the end of the day God was glorified through my pregnancy, He showed himself to the doctors, to me, He used my circumstance to glorify himself and I am honored I could be a part of it. I have never publicly shared this story because it’s not always what people wanna read when they are pregnant. I am also very private person. I never think people want to know the details of my life. I always think pregnant women want to laugh about all the silly food cravings, giggle over the belly kicks, relate to all the back pains and swollen ankles. My story is different. It’s not something most people relate to. But here I am and I hope this was in some way encouraging. Pregnancy is beautiful and it looks so different to so many people. Thank you for letting me share my experience. 

~Shared by Megan B.

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

As you prepare for pregnancy and/or labor and childbirth, this verse should bring you comfort. God is in control of all things and He will guide you in all of it. Trust that God knows what He is doing in all of it, no matter how good or challenging things are. God is good and He is in control.

Labor Playlist

For many people, music can help us to relax and focus. Obviously everyone is different, but there is something about music that speaks to the heart. I talked about memorizing a hymn to help you focus in labor, and today I want to talk about music to listen to. We all have different tastes, so your final selection is up to you, but I would encourage you to have many songs that call you to worship. Why? Because birth is an experience of worship. Without God birth would not be possible. No matter what kind of birth you plan or hope to have, you should be focused on and worshiping the giver of all life.

When reading Redeeming Childbirth by Angie Tolpin, she talked about the Ultra-Sound of worship that is a play list of worship songs to help you focus on God during your labor. For her list you can find it here. I do not have a play list typed out as I have only prepared one this time by going through the music we had and making a list. In fact I have only had music at one of my births and we played a Pandora station of classical music, so I'm looking forward to actively worshiping through song as I labor and deliver this time.

What would you have on your labor playlist?

When Satan Attacks

From the moment you find out you are pregnant, it is crucial to be on your guard. Why? Because Satan likes to attack pregnant women. I have had many conversations about this recently as well as battling it myself. The surge of hormones, the changes in your body, the complete lack of control. All of it can be so overwhelming and Satan loves to use these things to whisper lies to us.

"If God was good you wouldn't be sick." 

"Your husband thinks your unattractive."

"It's OK to lose it since you don't feel well."

"No one is here to help you. You are all alone."

"You were too sick to clean the house today? You're worthless!"

He likes to use our insecurities to feel isolated, ugly, and that sin is OK. But none of these things are true! Because of Christ, we are never alone. Pregnancy is beautiful! And sin is never OK. 

We must fight these lies with the Truth of God's word. To know the Truth, we must be in the Word regularly. We must share our insecurities with our husbands, family, friends, anyone we trust to speak the Truth of God into our lives. We must remember who we are in Christ. We must fight sin, through the power of the Holy Spirit living in us. We must also give ourselves grace to know we cannot do it all. 

God is gracious and merciful. He will help you, His precious daughter, to do what you need to each day. If it's taking a nap, preparing a nursery, cooking a meal, or keeping your tongue in check, God will give you the ability to do it. Cry out to Him! Every moment of everyday ask Him to help you over come. 

If God is for us, who can be against us? No one! 

Cooper's Birth

On the other hand…. I did NOT love being pregnant with Cooper.  I was SO hungry the first few weeks, and then extremely nauseous until about 17 weeks.  The funny thing about the start to both of my labors is that my husband and I had eaten at our favorite hibachi place the night before!!  I think it must be something in the pink sauce!  The Friday that I went into labor with Cooper, I had just put Tyler down for a nap.  My husband was at work, of course.  I just sat down at the computer, hit send on an email, and literally 2 seconds later, I felt that same pop – but this time at the bottom!  I ran to the bathroom again, but this time I was not so lucky about the mess!  Luckily, it was not on any carpet!  Again, a HUGE gush of water flooded into the toilet.  I hadn’t been contracting at all (that I noticed!), so this was a huge shock to me.  I was 38+5 when my water broke.  I was not expecting this yet!  Unfortunately, my phone was in the living room.  I sat on the toilet a few minutes, trying to calm my nerves and let more amniotic fluid drain out.  I did a mental nurse check – did I feel the baby move?  Yes.  Did I feel any cord hanging out?  No, thank God.  Was the fluid clear?  Yes, definitely.  Ok. (As a nurse, I felt very guilty about forgetting any of this when my water broke with Tyler.  But, that labor was VERY different and fast.  I was thinking as I SHOULD have been thinking at that time – a pregnant woman – a MOM – who was in labor.  This time, I had been a nurse 2 years longer, and I wasn’t actively laboring, so I COULD think those things!)  

When I felt like I could walk to the living room, I got up, dripped all the way to the living room, leaned over the couch as far as I could and grabbed my phone.  I think I called the answering service first, then my husband.  He immediately packed up his stuff and headed for home, but it was Friday afternoon about 3:15 or so… in Atlanta.  Then I called my parents to come take care of Tyler.  Meanwhile, my midwife was trying to call me back, but kept getting the busy signal because I guess I was trying to make and receive phone calls from my panicked husband and parents (Dad: “It’s Friday afternoon!  Is Joseph going to get home in time?!  Do I need to take you to the hospital?!”  Seeing as how Tyler came pretty quickly for a first-time baby, and my mom and sister both have a history of VERY fast labors, this was a real concern of ours!)  Finally, I get off the phone and see a text from Amanda: “call me”  When I called her, she said, “Now you know better than to get on the phone after you page me!”  We decided I should go ahead to the hospital for the whole fast-labor-family-history concern that I just mentioned.  My parents arrived at my house first, and my husband shortly after that.  I guess he went upstairs to get our stuff, or change clothes or something.. I don’t know what he was doing, but my mom and I were standing outside, and I was wiggling my hips back and forth with the contractions, wishing he’d hurry up and come on!  I did not want to have this baby in the car on 285!!  I felt a lot of back labor, but I was not having strong, or consistent contractions – everything indicative of Cooper being OP (or sunny-side-up – NOT the optimal position!)  Since I wasn’t in hard-core labor like I had been with Tyler, I remember the car ride pretty well.  I was uncomfortable, but I think it was more stemmed from anxiety.  

Anyway, we got to the hospital sometime around 4:30.  Renata came in to get me admitted, and since I was standing, leaning over the bed (which I had raised up to my desired height), she offered telemetry monitors for me, so I could be free to move around in the room.  I graciously accepted and continued to labor, standing for the admission, and then walking around the room for a while.  This labor was SO different from my first.  Eventually, I started to get a little more uncomfortable, so I decided to go ahead and get an epidural, because I was still convinced this labor was going to just take off!  Around 8, Amanda checked me, and I had not made any change from what I was when I was admitted.  I REALLY didn’t want to have any Pitocin – I didn’t have any with Tyler and I just really wanted to avoid it if at all possible.  I asked for more time.  We tried putting my leg up in a stirrup, but by 10 PM, my contractions were coming every 8-10 minutes.  I pressed my nurse call bell, and said to go ahead and start the pit.  Sarah started me at 2 milliunits/hour (our standard starting dose) and never even increased it.  After an hour, I was complete and ready to push. Pushing went very smoothly again this time, and Cooper was born at just 3 minutes after midnight on Saturday.  Interestingly, I remember SO MANY more details about laboring with Tyler, but Cooper’s delivery is the one I remember the most.  I remember having that rush of, “Oh my God!  My baby!!” when I first saw him and heard him cry.  I remember asking Amanda if he had an extremely long cord because he moved so much and flipped around so much early in my pregnancy.  He did end up rotating, and he came out the “right” way – OA, and not sunny-side-up.  But as a result, his little face was VERY bruised and swollen.  He weighed 9 pounds, 1 ounce, and we were completely flabbergasted to see his RED HAIR!

~Shared by Lauren K

Labor Contractions

The only way to know for sure that contractions are true labor is to have cervical change, but many times you can have contractions for awhile before that happens. So how can you tell from your contractions if it might be labor? These contractions tend to be more intense and can be felt both in the front and in the back. They start at the front and move to the back or vice versa. As time goes on they will get closer together and feel stronger. Both walking and relaxing will not effect the contractions. Feeling an increase in pressure in the vaginal and/or rectal area is also prevalent as labor progresses. You may have some bleeding, called bloody show, that is indicative of cervical change. If your contractions cause your water to break, that is a very good sign it is real labor.

Every woman is different and will have any combination of these things. Some labors are less intense than others. Some women's water never break. These are just guidelines. If you think you are in labor and are wanting to be checked out, call your provider and they will tell you if they think you need to go to the hospital or not. If things get intense quickly, feel free to go ahead and make your way there, calling your provider to let them know.

How do you know when you're in labor?